Napalm Riot

So last night Soroth and I are sitting down watching movies like we frequently do, when around midnight or so we both get pretty hungry and decide to raid my kitchen. Unfortunately, my kitchen is more or less bare of food, so there's not much to choose from. Soroth decides she'd like to defrost my frozen garlic bread and pan fry it so it's crispy, which doesn't surprise me. I decide that it would be a good idea to defrost one of my cheap frozen burritos and finish it off by pan frying it, which sounds gross but has me curious. She tells me that it sounds gross, but I convince her that it's going to be an interesting experiment so she goes along with it. I assure her that it's going to be great.

After throwing the slightly defrosted burrito into the pan, which is incredibly hot at this point, I decide that it'd be a good idea to throw some of my generic hot sauce on there. This hot sauce is of nearly medium spicy quality, but has a nice flavour. I dump a good amount on the burrito, and a little bit trickles over the side and starts jumping and gliding around in the pan. Soroth is very amused with this, and is pushing the drops around giddily with a fork. She wants me to put a little bit more into the pan so she can play with it. I feel inclined to let her be amused and comply. About a minute goes by, and I flip the burrito over which sends the hot sauce all over the pan which pleases Soroth even more. Then I turn around and open the fridge, figuring it wouldn't hurt to sauté that burrito in hot sauce. It's then that I spot the other bottle of my special hot sauce. This is not your typical household sauce, and can make grown men run around a living room screaming and drooling with snot dripping out uncontrollably. It's called Venom for a reason.

So I pull out the Venom bottle and give Soroth a wink and grunt cutely. I feel confident that I'm on to something brilliant here, and I apply a generous amount of Venom to the burrito and pour a little bit around it on the pan, which again sends it gliding and hopping around. Soroth is still very engrossed in this phenomenon.

About thirty seconds passes, and I observe that the pan is producing some smoke. Actually, smoke is billowing out of it in an alarming way, so I lean over the oven and under the ventilation hood to turn on the fan. The smell immediately triggers a flashback of me at the age of thirteen, curled up in the corner of my room coughing and gagging wildly after testing what my can of pepper spray smelled like when sprayed. If you're wondering, it smells like burn.

Back to the present -- I am coughing. Violently. Soroth is coughing too. My eyes are burning and tears are pouring out. Soroth mentions that her eyes are also burning in between coughing and gagging. This doesn't feel fun any more. I am frantically trying to get the burrito and the garlic bread out of the frying pan, and Soroth is flailing around frantically trying to get the plate to me.

I turn around and notice that it's dangerously hazy in my apartment. We both run into the living room and I collapse on my knees and continue to cough. I'm confused and don't know what to do about this situation. Soroth is also confused. There is a long strand of snot flowing out of my nose from both nostrils, and thick phlegm is building up in my mouth. Soroth races into the bathroom for what I assume was the same situation. The smoke isn't going away, and I'm suddenly concerned that all of this smoke is going to set off the smoke detectors. I'm on my hands and knees in my living room using every bit of brain power I can muster in order to come up with a way to prevent the alarms from going off, when another childhood flashback appears in my head of the hand towel my mom kept near the smoke detectors when I was growing up for those times we didn't eat out, and for a split second I decide that is probably what I'll have to do. I finally notice that there is absolutely no ventilation in my apartment at this point, so I leap up and throw open the sliding glass door and the front door and take a second to gasp for fresh air before racing into the bathroom to take care of the snot situation.

After about thirty minutes or so, the smoke clears enough for me to venture out to the kitchen to fetch our food. I take it back to the bedroom and close the door to keep more smoke from coming in, and set the plate on the bed so we can enjoy the fruits of our labour. I make Soroth cut up the burrito into bite sized pieces, and I take a bite out of one of the garlic bread pieces which was my portion. It tastes good, so I finish it up in another bite and start snacking on the burrito. It tastes great, and has a good flavour to it. I mention this to Soroth, which excites her greatly. She takes a piece and eats it. Ten seconds go by. She collapses on the bed complaining that it's so spicy she can't breath or see. I have at this point finished the rest of the burrito, and feel fine. I verify a couple of times that she can't see anything at all, and she confirms. I am still hungry, so I verify one last time that she can't see. I take the last piece of garlic bread, which was supposed to be hers but figured she'd forget it was there after all this trauma.

The crunch gives me away almost immediately. Soroth is angry and accusing me of stealing her last piece of garlic bread that she was very much looking forward to. I deny doing this, but she can hear me chewing still. I tell her it's fine, because she can't see. This doesn't assuage her anger like I thought it would. She is yelling at me and flailing her arms around trying to hit me, which I easily avoid. I am pleased with myself. I have salvaged the night.